kaprize - cupcakes!

So I was driving around looking for a nail salon to get a much needed pedicure, then what should I see but a little bakery called The Sweet Tooth Fairy's Bakeshop that my bff holls blogged about. So of course I stopped pulled over and got us both a "good job making it to friday" (although I'm not really sure I deserved one, since this week I've gone to the pool twice and watched half the season of the Bachelorette) lol! I got cupcake one chocolate with peanut butter frosting, and one chocolate with white cookies and cream frosting both with candy on top. Now only if em could be here with us.

lauren gets lowlights

I've been drowning in a pool of pity for long enough, so I'm moving on to topics that make me oh so happy, such as lauren conrad's desire to dye her hair brunette and join the crowds of girls gone brown in the latest addition of Harper's Bazaar. She looks absolutely gorgeous. Lucky beotch!

zip it up D

D wrote me a little email basically complaining about having to get a job and find a place to live with a pinch of poor me added in at the end "I just don't know how it's going to be easy, I guess I'll find a way though." Interpretation: You can't take care of me and I was planning on living off you for the rest of our lives since you're the responsible one in this marriage. 3 things i want to say about that a) I'm not your mom b) you're 29 and a grown up, get with the program c) my life isn't sunshine and daisies between deciding where to live and also having to get a job, oh and the little matter of picking up the pieces of my life since you've been abusing me for the last 3 years.

wilting

It was a rough day today. D left me this i love you email. Enough with it, I love you emails, I love you cards, I love you letters, I love you flowers. How bout, I love you so I don't abuse you? How bout them apples? Then i emailed him a sensible reply only responding to the practical parts of his email. Of course he reacted with his typical manipulation tactics, things such as you don't love me or miss me, enjoy your life in Phoenix without me. Seriously kid, how much enjoyment can I possibly have? You've literally ruined my life and left it in pieces. I called my friend Em to get some girl perspective and she said, "You can't be some damaged flower wilting in D's craziness, you're not that girl." She's right I'm not, I just feel an awful lot like that girl right now, then we planned a trip to cali and i'm all of the sudden feeling a whole bunch better. Sunshine, the beach and some long runs. Cali here I come. Thanks Em. <3>

falling

Yesterday I had to go and get the rest of my things from my flat. I live in London, well actually Brighton, did I mention that? Of course D is doing everything I ask and making a super big effort so I knew I'd have to be strong and stick to my guns about him not being there. He texted me and asked me if I was sure I didn't want to see him one last time, and this is when I watched a girl with the same chipped paint fingernails text him, "I'm sure". Literally out of body experience. I got there and found the two stuffed bears hanging out of the bag he had packed with all our stuff, hand picked flowers, a letter and our favourite song playing that D used to make up silly verses to. If you're wondering, it's "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure. I literally fell on the floor and cried for 30 straight minutes. Then I sat up, sat in front of my vanity and had some good old Blair Wahldorf style, self talk. "Pull your self together, Jacque, this is what he wants", I grabbed my things, left the bears and got on the bus. Even if we were going to get back together, him winning at this point would be bad, but since we're not it'd be bad for both of us. I think I'm finally learning, stick with my decisions, think things through, a good lesson for my new life.

Merging

It's been 7 days, 7 whole days, 1 week since I walked out on the life I've known for the past three years. What is this life you may ask? My marriage, my dependence on another human being, my identity. After bad behaviour that has gone on for much too long I followed through with the ultimate of ultimatums quickly packed my bags and walked out. As far as I'm concerned I hope I never come face to face with him again. It feels so good to be running but now I have to figure out, who am I, who was I and most importantly how I merge those two people into the person I am to become. I'll be blogging daily(much more doable than some paper diary) as I try and figure that out. Wish me luck.

x, jax